goals

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

[0:00] Teaser Clips

[0:22] Q1 Husband just decided he no longer wants kids

[18:08] What could have gone wrong?   

[27:01] Cinderella Effect

[32:06] Q2 I’m pregnant and need emotional support, but my husband is focused on his business

[44:10] Conclusion

Q1: I’m a 39 year old woman and my husband has just decided that he no longer wants to have kids. We talked extensively about this before getting married, I explained to him how important this was to me and he agreed that he wants kids as well. Now, a few months into the marriage, he changed his mind and doesn’t want them anymore. This is honestly a dealbreaker for me. My problem is that I love him, and if I leave him now, there is no guarantee that I will ever find another man to have kids with, much less love. I’m 39 years old so my biological clock is ticking and I don’t have much time left and I know finding someone to have kids with takes a long time. What should I do? Should I leave him and risk never finding anyone else to love and have kids with, or stay with him, hoping he will change his mind or let go of my lifelong dream to have kids? 

Q2: I have a baby due soon, but my partner is going through a tough time with his business which is causing him huge emotional distress at a time when I need his emotional support. He is stressed and entirely consumed with ruminations about his business (although financially everything is OK). Part of me feels resentful, part of me wants to make him happy. How can we navigate this reality without damaging our relationship in the meantime? We have love, commitment, kids and mortgage together and I’m happy in the relationship except for the fact that 99% of his mental energy is now going into his business with not much left for me and new baby.
 

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: http://www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD http://www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC http://www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld.

Q1: How does one know if or when it is time to settle in dating? I’m 45 years old and have only dated men who I would consider a friend, and have never met anyone who excites me like a romantic partner would. Therefore, I let these men go, kept looking for the next best thing and never found it. Is there a point in life where we should just realize that this partner is the best we are ever going to get even though they are different than what we imagined? Is there a point where we should settle and stop looking even if we are not super excited about that person and how do we know when? At 45 I still consider myself good looking but I’m past my prime, so should I just settle for one of these “friends”?

[0:00] Teaser Clips & Intro

[1:35] Q1 – Should I lower my standards and settle?  I’m 45 and haven’t yet found a partner that excites me.

[5:45] General mood model – where does excitement comes from?

[14:13] A common strategy for women

[18:23] Women are told to lower their standards

[23:41] Why are looks so important?  

[28:40] Changing the strategy

[31:15] A request for David Buss or Geoffrey Miller – is there scientific evidence for Repeat Exposure in women?

[37:11] Things to watch out for.

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: http://www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD http://www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC http://www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast

Evolutionary psychologist, Doug Lisle, PhD discusses listener questions with co-host, Nathan Gershfeld. 

[0:00] Teaser Clips & Intro

[1:09] My son doesn’t work, spends all day in his room, and lacks interest or motivation

[17:08] What causes motivation?

[21:40] I married a man I don’t love 25 years ago

[42:24] Very happy with my partner of 12 years, but want to experience someone else as a comparison

Question 1: I have a very difficult adult child. My 23yo easily got a college degree at 21yo in computer science with excellent grades. Despite the warnings and encouragement, he’s never worked a day. Otherwise a very bright kid, he spends all day in his room online, has no friends or social life. He did about 5 interviews that went horribly and decided he no longer wants to try. He’s been telling us he has no intention of working and does not care what happens. He’s been in therapy and on meds for the last year but it has not helped. We’ve tried to be supportive and firm, but nothing works or makes sense. I don’t see depression, just disinterest, lack of motivation and low confidence. If he needs the car (which is rare) he borrows his mothers. We tried cutting off the internet and access to the car and he spent a month locked in his room without talking to us and lost 20lbs. We don’t buy him anything. We pay for family health care as we are still working and he has a younger brother, but that wont be forever. We pay insurance for 3 cars. Our plan was to retire , sell the house and downsize to the beach in a few years. We still plan to do it, but apparently it will be with him. We worry about his mental state and healthcare. I don’t think any healthy person would chose this path. He has admitted he is losing at life and not very normal – he speaks with a scary level of clarity and self awareness about it. His life and options will be sad and very limited if he does not snap out of this. We worry. Many who have told us to kick him out have not been through this and often don’t even have kids. We never could have seen this coming and we don’t know what to do.

Question 2: I’m a 50 year old woman. About 25 years ago I married a man I didn’t and still don’t love only for financially security. I have a college degree but I never worked in my life, not even a summer job in high school or college. If I leave my husband whom I don’t love, I will have to get a job but how can I if I’m 50 years old and never worked. No one will hire me because others my age have 20+ years of experience. Should I just stay with my husband even though I don’t love him?

Question 3: I’ve been in a relationship for 12 years, and we’ve been living together for 2 years now. We’re both almost 30, not married, but really happy together— of course, with our ups and downs. We’re very close, but also independent; we make plans together as a couple, but also have our own plans with friends. The sex is good. We’ve never been with anyone else sexually, or even kissed anyone else, which shocks everyone. I’m really happy with him, and I know I want to continue my life with him, with him being the father of my future child. But sometimes, I feel like I’d like to have an experience with someone else— not with anyone specific, just to try it, to have a comparison, or to experience something different. At the same time, I know he wouldn’t want that, and it’s something he would never accept. So, if I were to do this, I’d have to keep it a secret, and I’m really afraid of that— if he finds out, or if it changes how I feel about him. I don’t know. What do you think?

X: @BeatYourGenes

Web: http://www.beatyourgenes.org

Doug Lisle, PhD http://www.esteemdynamics.com

Nathan Gershfeld, DC http://www.fastingescape.com

Intro & outro song: City of Happy Ones • Ferenc Hegedus Licensed for use

Copyright Beat Your Genes Podcast