love

In today’s replay of episode 211, Dr. Lisle & Dr. Howk discuss:

1. How does neuroticism interact with IQ? We’ve all been in situations where a reasonable point of view is met by a barrage of irritable insults. Are people whose emotions play such a major role able to reason in an abstract and measured way, or does high neuroticism knock off the equivalent of 10 or 20 IQ points? Has this ever been studied?

2. What are the uses and limits of trying to create habits? For example, I often try to establish patterns of doing the dishes before bed, going to bed early, showering early during the day, cleaning regularly and the like, but it inevitably falls apart like someone coming off a diet. In what areas are/situations is it worth bothering, and how do I keep of track? How do I alter the CB amd make my conscious priorities into my nervous system’s priorities too?

3. My husband had an affair last year, but we are slowly working through things ourselves and taking steps to save our marriage for our children. 1. How can I get over the feelings of inadequacy I have in my marriage post-affair? It’s been almost a year since I found out and I still bring it up in arguments. At times I use it as my trump card and win our arguments as he feels bad every time I bring it up. Yet I can’t bring myself to stop doing it. 2. How can I let go of the jealousy and resentment towards his affair partner? They are still in contact and remain friends. I find myself checking her social media accounts and obsessing over her, and I want to stop.

In today’s episode, Dr Lisle & Howk discuss the following questions

1.My friend (washed up Jimmy) felt that the Doctors were undervaluing ‘washed up Jimmys’ potential contribution to a relationship. He made an interesting point.  In a society that is bringing women into the workforce, there will inevitably be more relationships with higher earning females. We can see that this will run afoul of our ancient attraction circuits. But isn’t this a necessary trade off of the gender equality movement?If women in the workforce must “status-settle” on a lower earner, why not have a washed up Jimmy, as opposed to a low earning Horace? Horace can neither provide sexuality nor security. Maybe this is why this is a recurring dynamic in Dr. Howk’s practice. The conversation got me thinking that perhaps a society that adheres to traditional genders roles is more conducive to viable romance.

2.I recently tried and failed to make my best friend into a trading partner. She needed money and seemed like she would be an asset to my business. I had started a proofreading company and hoped she would become one of my most reliable editors because she told me she had great experience and lots of her own clients. After she did a few less-than-perfect jobs for me, I decided I would not be passing on any more work to hersince I was losing money (I had to get her work re-edited). At the time, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her the work wasn’t good enough, so I paid her, said nothing, and hoped she would get the idea. Several months later, she has realised and cannot forgive me. For me, this was a purely business decision and was not personal. Even though I feel bad for her and how I handled the situation, I can’t accept that I should have done different. But I’ve now lost a friend. Was this conflict of interests inevitable and is there any way to salvage this friendship?