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In this episode, we introduce Dr. Jen Howk, who recently earned her PhD from Harvard. She brings a female perspective to our male/female dynamics questions and offers her insights to our show.  

“I’ll do it, but not because you told me to”  is a common humorous refrain in movies & TV shows.  In this show, we explore where this emotion comes from.   First, by reviewing a famous study that found that kids spend less time drawing if you tell them that they’ll get a good student award for drawing a good picture, compared to if you just let them draw without telling them anything.  Then, Dr. Lisle answers the following questions: 1.  With regard to the ego and pleasure traps, if you want to instill a sense of motivation, do you set goals and fundamentals that solicit a stress response as opposed to soliciting an anxious or depressive response? How do you decide on a goal or the fundamentals that can begin the process of getting you out of the ego/pleasure trap? Is it a matter of deciding what is 10% better than what you are currently doing? 2.  Can parents toughen up their children, including infants, so that they don’t cry as much, by pampering them less? In other words, is there evidence that you can make infants cry less or make young children less sensitive or whiny be letting them have to deal with a little discomfort rather than helping them out all the time? 3. When you talk about narcissists you usually discuss those who come across as highly disagreeable. But it seems some can be very charming.  Can you explain the charming narcissist and how to spot one? 4. Why does my anxiety and feelings of regret tend to peak at night but dissipate throughout the day?

We start this episode with a question about the Enlightenment & Ego Trap – left over from last episode. The rest of the questions are about interacting with children/kids.   1.  I have a number of friends who come from difficult backgrounds – a family history of mental illness and/or abuse, poor decision-making, relative poverty and very little work experience. I’ve found that they’re generally unwilling to consider most basic employment options to alleviate their financial difficulties, figuring they are “better than” most realistic jobs and even enduring a great deal of debt to get dubious education credentials which – most anyone with a critical eye can see – are not going to simply leapfrog them into a high-paying job, especially given the lack of work history. Can the “ego trap” exist for those who don’t have much outside esteem coming in? Is it a form of deferral of failure? 2. I have a 2 yr old and another baby on the way. Being a dad is teaching me that I have to constantly fight my disagreeableness, because I am having to give more of myself to my kid and can’t sustain trying to trade at 75/25 with him. My brain keeps telling me I am getting a bad deal with my kid, but I know I signed up for this and need your help beating my genes. What tactics or advice do you have for someone to at lease fake trading at less than 75/25 with a toddler?  3. Why kinds of adult things should generally be kept from kids, say 8-12 year olds? Is there any harm in letting them have unfiltered access to the internet, as long as we make sure they aren’t getting into drugs or risk of pregnancy? In other words, to what age should they be kept fairly innocent, if at all, and why? 4.  This listener’s question is about her mother, a school teacher, who lost her cool with an unruly child and had some significant resulting guilt.